Court Proceedings

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 WITNESS: I forget.

 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
 forgot?

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 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

 WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

 WITNESS: We both do.

 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

 WITNESS: We do.

 ATTORNEY: You do?

 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it
 until the next morning?

 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

 WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

 _____________________________________


 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

 ______________________________________


 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 WITNESS: None.

 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
 attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 WITNESS: By death.

 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

 _____________________________________


 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 WITNESS: Guess.

 _____________________________________


 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?

 _____________________________________


 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?

 WITNESS: Oral.

 _____________________________________


 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

 _____________________________________


 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

 _____________________________________


 --- And the best for last: ---


 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.