Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish
you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get
married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself
married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself
divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got
married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after
marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They
got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that
sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce
Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. --
Helen Rowland
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want
some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone
handy.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets,
the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife
down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the
Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep
personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was
killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur
coat.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our
idea of useless legislation.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows
something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows
nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife,
sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and
waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married,
they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for
me. -- Dick Martin
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate
middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a
group grope. -- Tynan
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he
got.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had
to return the unused part for my full refund.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about
'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you,
I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The
job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat
me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's
character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.